The mainstream advice these days when it comes to building relationships is:
Don’t bring any baggage into new relationships.
This is to say that the first step to building good relationships with others is to first focus on the relationship with your own self. Once you’ve sorted out the emotional issues you have with yourself, it’ll be easier to develop a healthy relationship with others.
While this is good advice, I believe that the skills for self-love do not entirely overlap with the skills for building good friendships.
Today, more people know how to develop themselves as individuals, but less people know how to genuinely connect with one another. Despite today’s technology, people feel more disconnected than ever.
I believe it is easier to put effort in personal growth than it is to grow fulfilling friendships with others.
And the fact is that building fulfilling friendships as adults is difficult.
Why making friends as adults is hard
There are three main reasons why this seemingly ‘childish’ task continues to become harder as we grow older.
1) You fear rejection
Noone likes being rejected.
The negative feeling of rejection may conjure uncomfortable memories of being rejected by friends, our parents, work colleagues or bosses for something we may or may not have done.
As the years pass, we’ve learned that the pain of rejection is just part of life and as mature adults, we’ve come to accept that this bitter feeling is something we have to swallow from time to time.
But in actuality, we still unconsciously avoid rejection when we can, especially when it’s within our control.
We avoid opening ourselves to others because we know that the attempt to befriend someone new exposes ourselves to the risk of being rejected. This new person may reject our opinions, interests or values – and that rejection is painful.
2) You fear being vulnerable
If you finally find someone who’s shown some agreement, shared passions and empathy – a new ‘friend’ – you have to then go through the restless feeling of being vulnerable with this new character.
To really befriend someone, you have to open up your heart and emotionally expose yourself.
But you’re an adult that’s experienced your fair share of mistrust, betrayal and manipulation. Consciously exposing yourself like that to someone new may seem ridiculous and naive at times.
We avoid being vulnerable with others because we know that showing your true uncovered self is a position of weakness. This new ‘friend’ can choose to manipulate our naivety or betray our trust.
3) You limit the time for relationships
The third reason is simply a prioritisation issue. As we grow older and our responsibilities grow, the amount of time and space we allocate for developing relationships shrink.
While it may not be a conscious decision at first, unless you consciously decide to prioritise the development of relationships, you will naturally deprioritise it.
- Between spending the evening to advance your career or to catch up with your friends.
- Between developing professional skills or visiting family over the weekend.
- Between going for fitness classes or a walk in the park with your spouse every Sunday morning.
In all three cases, you may choose the former and you may be right for doing so.
But if it continues to be a decision for developing something else over working on your friendships, then it should not be a wonder that making friends was an easier task when we were kids.
Why is friendship important?
If we struggle to make new friends and maintain friendships, we may start internally debating with ourselves:
- Why do I even need friends in the first place?
- Are my current/old friends not enough?
- I can just be friends with my spouse/family – are they not enough?
- Do I really need to make new friends?
- Can I not just be a lone wolf?
While it’s sometimes tempting to think that you and I go along living life without needing friendships, the fact is that we need them.
They are not nice-to-haves. Friendships are musts-in-life.
1) Friends Fulfil Our Emotional Needs
The intellectual fact that you and I have to accept is that we are emotional beings. And as emotional beings, we have emotional needs that we need to fulfil.
In the book ‘His Needs, Her Needs’, Dr William F Harley explains how men and women have 10 major emotional needs:
- Affection
- Intimate Conversation
- Recreational companionship
- Honesty and openness
- Admiration
- Physical attractiveness
- Financial support
- Domestic support
- Family commitment
- Sexual fulfilment
While we have a variety of emotional needs – some better satisfied by our romantic partners, and some by our family members – friends are the great at fulfilling a number of them.
For example, friends can help fulfill our emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, and admiration.
Having said that, don’t seek to make friends simply for the functional purpose of satisfying your emotional needs.
“The best time to make friends is before you need them.”
– Ethel Barrymore
2) Friends Keep Us Grounded
As human beings, we tend to overestimate our problems and underestimate our potential.
But the best kinds of friends are the ones that keep you grounded to the earth, while encouraging you to shoot for the stars.
They give you respect by providing a true measure of your opinions and actions. At the same time, they give you kindness by showing up for you and being understanding of your personal journey as if they were walking in your shoes. They supply honest feedback but they don’t cast judgement.
True friends are the best mirrors you’ll ever find.
Through them, you can see the weight of your values, the kinks of your thoughts and the silliness of your stubbornness.
“The best mirror is an old friend.”
– George Herbert
3) Friendships Come And Go
With the flow of life, friendships also ebb and flow.
The friends you and I will have in our lives will also change as we move on to new places, different workplaces and life stages. As our opinions and values change, our circle of friends will also change to reflect the transformation.
While keeping old friendships is valuable, we also need to recognise when it’s time to let go and embrace new friendships.
At the same time, we have to also recognise that friendship is not just limited to the relationships we have with our peers. I believe that we should also cultivate friendship within our existing relationships with our romantic partners, parents, children and coworkers.
While friendship should not be the primary form of those relationships, friendship can act as a secondary form to strengthen those relationships.
Just like how great spouses are also best friends, friendship between a daughter and a father will only serve to strengthen their bond.
How to build fulfilling friendships
In my eyes, there are three ingredients required for a good relationship between two friends.
Without any of the three, the relationship will be neither lasting, genuine nor mutual.
Here are the things you need to incorporate in your interactions with people you want to build fulfilling friendships with.
#1 Kindness
To be a good friend, you have to show sincere kindness. This means to be understanding of your friends’ opinions and thoughts, showing care without strict judgement, and empathising with their situation.
From an emotional needs angle, being kind in a friendship symbolises security, protection, comfort and approval. Only with kindness will a friendship go the distance and last a long time.
So, be kind to make it last.
#2 Respect
Respect in a friendship means supplying your friend a true evaluation of their opinions, actions or values without putting up a face or facade. However, it also does not mean that you should entirely throw your manners and politeness out the window.
What’s important is to express the genuine meaning and reason behind your honest feedback to them. By doing so, you’re acknowledging your friend’s true worth even if you don’t agree with them – and that is what’s most valuable.
So, be genuine and give respect.
#3 Shared vulnerability
To build a real friendship, both parties need to learn to be vulnerable with one another. Sharing your vulnerabilities means to expose to your friend your weaknesses, parts that you’re not so proud of, and parts that you’re a bit embarrassed about.
The point of doing so is not to feel like you’re being judged about those things, but rather to provide the opportunity to be seen and accepted for who you really are.
Because the bottom line is that no one is perfect. But you walk out in the sun with your imperfections, so that you can find true friends who are like sheltering trees.
So, be vulnerable and find friends who mutually do the same.
In summary,
With kindness, respect and shared vulnerabilities, you’ll build lasting, genuine and mutual friendships.
Thanks for reading my newsletter today! 😊
Today’s newsletter on Friendship is the first of a ‘Relationship’ series I will be writing throughout February. In the coming weeks, I will be exploring the concepts and practical frameworks on how to develop strong, genuine and fulfilling relationships with your loved ones.
Next week, I will cover the ‘Love Bank’ framework that Dr William F Harley uses to help couples build an Affair-Proof Marriage.
Till next week,
Ruiz